Covering all aspects of life with dog companions. We'll cover traveling, rate dog friendly hotels, test and rate products and talk about the ways dogs enrich our lives every day.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

How Do I Say Goodbye?

Anyone who has ever loved and lost a pet knows how hard it is to let them go and move on.  

In 2007 my beautiful little girl "Peanut" was diagnosed with lymphoma and my world fell apart.  She was only 6 years old and my best friend in the world.  We spent every waking hour together and even had our own language.  She would respond to me with little woofs as if she understood everything I said to her.  She had never been sick a day in her life before and I thought we would be together forever.

It all started with what the Doctor said was just a "wart" but it seemed that each day she had another one so I asked the Doctor to remove and biopsy them just to be safe. He called me on my birthday with the news.....Peanut had cancer.  He told me I need to take her to a specialist but that she would be fine.

We took her to the Veterinary School at the University of Florida in Gainesville, FL  and met with an oncologist who told us she also had a tumor in her intestines and would probably only last a year with chemotherapy or a few weeks without.  So we started chemo immediately.

She didn't respond to the traditional chemo so her oncologist suggested another drug and it worked right away.  Only thing is that the drug caused her intestinal tumor to shrink making the walls of her intestines fragile.  She needed emergency surgery before her intestines ruptured poisoning her insides.  

This was the first time we'd ever been apart overnight and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do, allowing them to do major surgery on my little girl to try to save her life.  

Miraculously, she pulled through the surgery and was feeling great.  We continued chemo treatments and she was feeling great, playing and enjoying daily walks on the trail for over a year before.  We even went on a great vacation to the Biltmore in Asheville , NC where Peanut and I snuck into the mansion and got to the second floor before being thrown out.   We enjoyed the walking trails on the property and had a wonderful time.  

She felt great for 18 months and suddenly started to fail.  Her liver wasn't tolerating the chemo drug anymore so we had to stop her chemo treatments.  

The next visit the Doctor took some x-rays and found that the cancer had spread to her bones.  But he felt that he could give her a different chemo drug that would make her feel better again.  So we started a different chemo drug.  

A week later, her showed that she needed platelets so we got her a blood transfusion which made her feel much better, but only for a couple of days.

Her next blood test showed that her kidneys were failing so the Doctor wanted to give her IV fluids the next morning for a few hours to see if we could help her kidneys function properly.  But that morning when Peanut woke up she was having difficulty walking.  We took her to the Doctor and he started the IV and we took her home with the IV so we could be comfortable while she got her fluids. 

She was resting comfortably for hours and almost done with the IV bag when I noticed blood coming out of her nose.  Immediately we took her back to the Doctor.  On the ride over the bleeding got much worse and when he examined her he said she was bleeding internally and it was time to say goodbye.

Peanut and I had been together every minute of every day since she was diagnosed because I vowed to stay by her side until she breathed her last breath so she would ever have to be afraid.  

I held her and comforted her when they injected her.  

I told her I loved her and that I would always be with her. 

I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye.  

I had a very hard time after that and a friend of mine suggested that I read "The Shack"  by William P. Young, to help me sort through my feelings and it helped me so much.  

I'd also like to suggest to anyone going through this to read "The Darkest Evening of the Year" by Dean Koontz which also helped me to deal with my pain. 

Below is a picture of Peanut with her favorite toy and all my journal entries from right after I lost her.  

I hope this will help you to ease your pain after the loss of your best friend. 
My beautiful little baby girl Peanut I miss you so much. I look for you everywhere. On the bed your pillow is empty and that's how I feel since I lost you. I miss you waking me up every morning for tummy rubs. I miss holding you. I miss seeing your beautiful face looking up at me. I miss you so much it hurts and I don't think I'll every stop crying. I miss your kisses. I miss talking to you. I love you.
Beautiful Peanut I miss our beach days. You were always such a happy little baby girl. I love you more than anything. I miss you more than words can describe. Thank you for letting me love you for as long as you could. I'll miss you forever.
My beautiful little girl Peanut you filled my life with love and joy. I'll miss you every day of my life. I love you with all my heart.
My beautiful Peanut this week I took your ashes to your favorite place the beach and climbed on top of the tallest dune and released your ashes into the wind. You always wanted to fly and you did, you caught the wind and flew so high. I'll miss you always but remember my baby we'll always be together. I love you more than words can express and always will.

No comments:

Post a Comment